From Tribulation To Hope

Where Have I Been???

2010-07-21T22:31:00.000-05:00

I'm still here!!! I know it's been a very long time since my last post, but this is what I've been doing during the last 4 months:
* Working on Junior League of Waco's Deck the Halls Gift Market (I am vice-chair of the merchants committee this year - it could almost be a full time job!)
* Celebrating the weddings of my cousin and a dear friend from college
* Trying to knit and attending my knitting group when I can (check out the blog Reality Knitwits)
* Loving on my family
* Zumba
* Going on vacation
* Working a 2nd job part-time
* And most importantly...building a relationship with this wonderful man!!!

We met 3 months ago today...but in many ways it seems we have know each other forever! He is truly a blessing and I look forward to seeing what the Lord has planned for us.

So I have been extremely busy, but it has been an exciting 4 months!

30.5

2010-03-18T22:44:00.000-05:00

On Monday the 15th, I officially made it to the half-way mark of my 30th year of life. For some reason, I have put a great deal of significance on this year and feel that it is a turning point in my life. I have been extrememly busy during these first 6 months!!! I really feel like this is a brand new story in my life. Here are some of my accomplishments:

* I am debt free (except for my mortgage of course)!!!

* I redecorated and updated another room in my house.

* I continue to work out regulary and have maintained the weight loss I achieved previously. However, I still have a little weight to lose to reach my goal. I feel great - strong and healthy!
* I am learning to play the fiddle! Well, so far I can only play one line of "Mary Had a Little Lamb," but it's a work in progress. This is something I've always wanted to do, and decided my 30th year was a perfect time to start. My fiddle is super cute because it's pink!!

* I am also learning to knit. I read the book "Friday Night Knitting Club" a couple of years ago and have wanted to learn to knit since then. One of my friends from Junior League hosts a group of women that meet at her house on Monday nights to watch the "Bachelor" or "Dancing with the Stars" and knit, so I decided to join the group in January. However, I didn't really get into knitting until a few weeks ago. I am currently working on my first project, which is a blanket for my dogs!

* I have also found a new passion for horses!! My dad took me riding some when I was young and I loved it. I asked him for a horse when I was growing up but never got one. Then my nephew came along, and lo and behold, my dad bought him a horse, which of course led to my dad buying a friend for my nephew's horse. So since then, I have started riding again and LOVE it!!!

* I have made several new friends, and attended several events which definitely pushed me past my comfort zone! I truly believe we only grow when we are pushed past our comfort zones, which is often scary, but usually has tremedous rewards!

This is a picture of my favorite horse Puppy Dog. It's not MY horse, but it belongs to my stepmother's brother. Puppy Dog and I bonded over a very challenging trail ride through creeks and caverns in Valley Mills!!! We're BFFs!

I am loving this new time in my life and look forward to what lies ahead!!!

"The Lord is my sheperd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters. He restores my soul; He guides me in the path of righteouness for His name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil; for Thou art with me. Thy rod and thy staff comfort me. Thou dost prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; Thou hast annointed my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."

- Psalm 23

Healing Project

2010-02-23T19:19:00.001-06:00

One of the things that has helped me cope with and heal from the divorce is working on my house to make it mine. It is still a work in progress and there are many things I still want to do, which will hopefully come with time. However, I am very proud of what I have already accomplished, with the help of my family of course!

Outside Before

Outside After

Living Room Before

Living Room After

Kitchen Before

Kitchen After

(Notice Gracie's hind legs in the background!)

Master Bedroom Before

Master Bedroom After

Master Bathroom Before

Master Bathroom After

Bedroom/Office Before

Bedroom/Office After (my latest project)

It's a very small, old house, but it's mine, and it's a little piece of me! I am very blessed!!!

Acceptance

2010-01-10T22:33:00.000-06:00

A little over two years ago, I was at a point in my marriage in which my ex-husband had already told me he was not happy in marriage and they he may never want to have children. I was doing everything I could think of to save our marriage, and I told him many times that having children was not a "deal breaker." I told him I would have to grieve the loss of the idea of children, but that my marriage vows were stronger than that. However, as I was saying those things to my husband, while they were true, I secretly held on to the hope that while we were married there was always a possibility of having children.
At that time, I was reading a memoir about a young woman going through a similar situation in which she was coming to terms with the possibility of not having children herself. The young woman in the book talked about her niece/nephew and decided that she could focus on loving her niece/nephew and developing a close relatinship with her/him. My nephew was about 17 months old around that time, and as I read that passage, I felt as if the Lord was speaking to me, telling me that I may not have children, but I could cultivate a meaningful and precious relationship with my nephew. I tried to push that out of my mind because I had and still do have a strong to desire to have children of my own.
One of the most difficult parts of the divorce, besides missing the man with whom I committed to share my life, was the realization that I may never have the opportunity again to have children. I continued to try to push it out of mind because it hurt too much to think about. However, it has been weighing heavily on my heart over the past several months. So much so that it has been difficult to be around children, hear stories about children, read blogs, and has even led to arguments between my sister and me. It is so difficult for me to think about never having children of my own, that it takes my breath away and I feel as if I'm on the brink of panic attack when I start to think about it.
A friend of mine recently recommended (after the post "Handling It Well") I read a book entitled "Angry Conversations with God" by Susan E. Issacs. It is a memoir about Ms. Issac's spiritual journey. I could relate to many of the thoughs and feelings Ms. Issacs shared in the book, and it was nice to know I'm not the only Christian in the world to have such thoughts and feelings.
Towards the end of the book, she writes about finding acceptance. She writes, "I have to accept that God isn't going to give me the life I want. I may never get married, I'll never make a living doing what I want." I have to come to a point to realize that in my own life, God in his infinite wisdom, may not give me the life that in my finite wisdom I think I want, and that I may not have children of my own.
Then she wrote, "If I never found the right man, that couldn't stop me from cultivating a life filled with love. If I never got married, that didn't mean I had to be alone...." I think that is so true and she was very wise and insightful for coming to that conclusion. I am living a life at this very moment cultivated with love from family and friends, and I am not alone because of them. But even if I didn't have family and friends surrounding me, I am surrounded by the love of Christ forever.
I love my nephew and niece as if they were my own children, and I cherish my special role in their lives as "Cici." If I never have children of my own, my life will be tremendously blessed by Cory and Callie. I also have the amazing opportunity to touch the lives of and guide teenages on a daily basis. The teenages come and go, but my prayer is that the Lord is able to use me to plant a seed in their lives that will continue to grow as they become adults. Ironically, Cory and Callie and many of those teenages have touched my life and planted seeds in my life that continue to grow and blossom and will continue to do so for a lifetime.
My life is full and blessed with or without children of my own, and I continuously remind myself of this.
My prayer is that I will come to a place where I can rest easy in the acceptance of GOD's plan - not MY plan - for my life.
So I leave you with a picture of sweet Cory and Callie with me at their first football game.

Though the fig tree should not blossom, and there be no fruit on the vines, though the yield of the olive should fail, and the fields produce no food, though the flock should be cut off from the fold, and there be no cattle in the stalls, yet I will exult in the Lord, I will rejoice in the God of my salvation, the Lord God is my strength, and He has made my feet like hinds' feet, and makes me walk on high places.

Habakkuk 3:17-19

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.

Jeremiah 29:11

Christmas Blessings!!!

2009-12-28T12:06:00.003-06:00

Despite this being a difficult time for me and several of my family members for various reasons, we had a wonderful Christmas filled with joy and blessings. I hope you and your family had a very merry Christmas as well.

It started off on the 23rd with making Christmas cookies with Cory. We had so much fun and made huge mess!! I think Cory may turn out to be quite a little baker.

Cory's cookies

My cookies

Then, I took Cory and Callie to Build-A-Bear Christmas Eve morning. It was so much fun, but I think Cory's favorite part was walking around the mall! He was mesmerized by all the people and the stores.

Finished product! Cory's bear is the fireman, which he named "Chipmunk" and Callie's is the one in pink, which Cory named "Bear."

After that we headed to Mimi and Papa's (my dad's house) for Cory's super big surprise....

a HORSE!!!

I have never seen anyone so excited about a gift. He was so thankful and appreciative. His new favorite saying is "long live cowboys!" His horse is named Buddy and they have become fast friends.

Cory and Mimi riding together. My dad surprised my stepmom with her own horse as well. His name is Shiloh.

Opening gifts at Mimi & Papa's

He's a real cowboy now - complete with a rope and spurs!

Then, it was on to Mamaw and Papaw's Christmas Eve night to celebrate with my dad's extended family. I saw my cousin for the first time in years and her new baby boy.

My dad (on the far right) with 3 of his siblings - 2 were not able to make it.

To make the day even better, we had snow!!! It was snowing really hard at my dad's house but I didn't get a good picture.

My mom and I spent Christmas Eve night at my sister's house so we could be there for Santa Christmas morning.

Family pic Christmas Eve night

Christmas morning, we played with all the goodies Santa left, had a yummy breakfast cooked by Mom, and opened presents. It's tradition for me to read the story of Jesus' birth every year before we open presents.

Our white Christmas morning in Waco, Texas!

We went back out to my dad's house for lunch and to ride horses on Christmas day.

Family Pic - Rowdy wanted in on the action as well.

Cory and his Buddy

I love this pic! Saddle up, boys!

Mimi & Cory riding off into the sunset.

Buddy and me. I'm riding in Cory's little bitty saddle, which was not very comfy!

I spent Christmas night at my dad's house. We all stayed up late playing games.

I spent the day after Christmas with a good friend who came into town. We exchanged gifts and made yummy taco soup and cornbread. It was perfect!

I could not have asked for a better Christmas! This is what it's all about - family, children, and the gift of Jesus Christ!!!

I wish you all a blessed New Year!!!

Handling It Well

2009-12-16T23:47:00.001-06:00

A lot has been going on the last few months, both in my life and in my head. I have been struggling with a lot of things and have thought many times about writing about them, but something has stopped me every time, and that something is FEAR. Fear of being too vulnerable, fear of being too real, fear of people not understanding me, fear of people feeling sorry for me, but most of all fear of facing these issues myself and being real with myself. However, God has an uncanny way of making us face our fears whether we think we're ready or not, and tonight it all came to a head...so here I am facing my fears and being real...
You see, in the beginning of the divorce it was extrememly important to me to "handle it well," to rise above the difficulty, and come out bright and shiny on the other side. So that's exactly where my focus went, and that is exactly what I did. I only missed one day of work during the entire process, and that one day was planned ahead of time. I continued to participate in most of the extracurricular activities I enjoyed before the divorce. I bought a house. I got a new job. I started a blog. I prayed daily for my ex-husband. I acted graciously when I saw him in public. I was not bitter towards him and had no anger. I grew closer to my family. I celebrated my first holiday season and enjoyed it. The list goes on and on. I felt I was successful because I was frequently reminded by those around me that I was "handling it well."
But almost 2 years post separation/divorce, I am settled into my new life and find myself wondering what to do now since I have accomplished the task of "handling it well." And suddenly I am faced with the reality that I'm not all bright and shiny, but I am damaged, hurt, angry, frustrated, confused, and still have a lot of healing to do .
Here is the part where I get really real...the person I am most frustrated with is not my ex-husband, is not myself, but it is God. I have never been one to question God, because I truly believe he his sovereign and has a grand plan for each of our lives. However, I find myself very confused and desperate for answers.
I distinctly remember one day towards the end my marriage when I felt my ex-husband slipping away, sitting by him on the counch, putting my arms around, laying my head on his chest, and praying (actually begging) God not to take my husband away from me. Yet, very soon after that day, my ex-husband told me he felt it would be best to separate. During that time, I held tight to the promise that God has great things planned for me, and many people around me reassured me of that as well. Yet 2 years out, I recognize that I have a good life and have been blessed tremendously, but I would not say my life is any better now than it was when I was married. I am still waiting for the greatness.
I understand God's purpose for death, and I have lost the person closest to me in the entire world to death, and I did not struggle to understand God's plan in that. However, I cannot for the life of me understand divorce, or God's plan for me in my divorce. I took my marriage seriously and would have been married forever - why didn't God honor that and let me keep my marriage???
I'm not sure I'll ever learn to answer to this question, but I am hoping to come to a point of acceptance. In the mean time, I have to understand there will be rocky days, but I will try to focus on my blessings and learn to be content with my circumstances.
I rarely ask for prayer requests because we are all dealing with life, but for those dear friends who read my blog and pray for me, please pray for me especially during this Christmas season because I am hurting and confused and need healing.

Belated Birthday Fun

2009-10-25T21:02:00.000-05:00

What's more fun that a birth-Day or a birth-Week??? A birth-MONTH!!! That's right...over a month past my actual birthday and I'm still having parties.

I really wanted to celebrate my birthday with my "Pancho Villa" friends (my roommates from college) and their families, but we had a hard time finding a time when everyone could get together, so we got together this past weekend. It was super fun!!! I love those girls and their families, but I don't get to see them nearly enough. My sister, brother-in-law, cousin, and his fiance' joined us as well, which made it even better.

Ashton made signs for me - so cute!

Ashton also performed for us.

Pancho Villa Girls (minus Kerri)

We missed you, Kerri!

Mmmmm...love cookie cake

To make things even better A&M beat Tech! WHOOP!!! It was a great night!

Super Birthday Fun

2009-09-27T11:47:00.000-05:00

I had a super 30th birthday thanks to my sweet family and friends. I am so blessed!

It started off with dinner with a friend the Friday before my birthday at one of my favorite restaurants in Waco - Diamond Back's. Super delicious!

Then I had dinner with family and friends on my actual birthday at Sebas Cocina (formerly Se Cocina), which I also love. Complete with an adorable cake from Simply Delicious - yum!

Sweet Callie Mae

Little Cory

Mom

Dad & Mary

The Girls

Cory loves birthday parties & blowing out candles!

Then the next weekend my mom, sister, and I went away for a girls weekend to Fredericksburg. We had a great time - we ate too much and spent too much. We stayed in a cute bed & breakfast, which was very relaxing.

B&B - yep that's a metal building but it's super cute on the inside

Super comfy bed

Enjoying live music at a Biergarten

Frozen Sangria - yummy!

Shopping - This is acutally taken at an antique store

Live music at the Biergarten again

Goodnight!

In front of the dancehall in Lukenbach

I could not have asked for a better birthday. It was super fun and I feel super loved!!!

"Things Are Fixin' To Get Real Good"

2009-09-15T14:21:00.000-05:00

Here I am at 30 - I can hardly believe it!!! I spent a couple of months dreading the big 3-0 and thinking about how different my life is now than I thought it would be. I spent a lot of time thinking about what I don't have and what others do have, but somewhere along the way I snapped out of it and began to look forward to the big milestone.

As I wrote before "life is good." I am blessed and very thankful for 30 years of life. However, I feel confident "things are fixin' to get real good," and I am excited about what the next 30 years will bring. I feel like this is a new beginning for me and that the possibilities are endless. I intend to live these next 30 years to the fullest and embrace the plans the Lord has for me.

I have started working out again and getting back in shape, and I feel great. I am working on losing the weight I gained before and after the divorce. I am looking forward to reaching my goal weight and continuing the pursuit of health.

I have decided to pursue a lifelong goal of learning to play the fiddle. I love the sound of the fiddle and I am amazed by those who play it well. There's no time like the present to learn. Look out Tyler Hatch Band - here I come!!!

I have worked extremely hard and diligently over the past 10 years to achieve my professional goals, and now I am looking forward to enjoying the fruits of my labor.

I am making new friends and feeling confident about who I am.

I am looking forward to watching my family change and grow. I want to strive to become half the woman my mother is and my grandmother was.

I think things can only go up from here, and I can't wait to see the places I will go.

So, to all my fellow 30ers ...it's going to be a great year!!!

"Sometimes you gotta go to hell and back just to know where you're at, and things are fixin to get real good." -Deryl Dodd

"Rollercoaster Ride"

2009-09-01T22:24:00.001-05:00

It's odd for me to post more than once a day - or more than once a month for that matter. However, this divorce thing really is a "rollercoaster ride" and I feel the need to be honest about that.

Yesterday, I achieved a big career goal, which I am super excited about. I have worked hard and long to reach this goal. I celebrated by talking to both sets of parents and many friends on the phone and going to dinner with a friend, and it was an amazing feeling to feel like I am done - at least for a little while.

But through all the happiness, I still felt a little sadness as well. Why? Because I drove home from Dallas on top of the world only to walk into an empty house. It wasn't so much the empty house that was the issue, but more the person who was not there.

I missed my ex-husband and had a huge desire to celebrate with him. You see he was with me along most of my journey to achieve my career goals. He was with me 10 years ago when I decided to change my college major. He was with me when I decided to stay at Texas A&M instead of transferring to Baylor. He was with me when I graduated from A&M and got my first job. He was with me through all the late nights, stressful cases, and when I was heartbroken on witnessing 3 precious children tell their birth mother goodbye forever. He was with me when I decided to go to grad school. He was with me when I got home late at night from commuting to UTA. He was with me while I wrote countless papers and listened patiently while I told him more than he ever wanted to know about teen pregnancy. He was with me during my first internship when I had to also commute to San Antonio every Monday and left the house at 5:30 am. He was with me when I quit my job to complete my second internship. He was with me when I graduated from grad school, and he was with me when I passed my first licensing exam. He was also with me when I started my 2 year supervision program towards earning my next license. BUT he wasn't with me when I completed the supervision program, and he wasn't with me yesterday when I passed my licensing exam - it was/is heartbreaking.

I could say a lot of negative things about him, and have at times. But through all the bad and the ways he hurt me, he was kind, and took care of me, and supported me through all of my professional endeavors. I truly appreciate him for that.

As I prepared for the exam and considered all the possible outcomes, I never considered that I would think of him and feel sad. Yet somehow the sadness and missing him always seems to sneak in in unexpected ways - it's a rollercoaster ride.

Title by Aaron Watson

"Life is Good Today"

2009-09-01T09:15:00.000-05:00

Life is good today and every day, and I am reminded of this as reflect on all the things I love and enjoy...
Rainy days*summer nights*skinny cinnamon dolce latte from Starbucks*God's grace*Coke on ice in a styrofoam cup*great job/career*eclectic group of wonderful friends*my 2 best friends - Dudley & Gracie*a loving family*Texas country*laying out at the pool*meeting new people*sleeping in on Saturdays*the ranch*hugs from a precious 3 year old*long lunches*my cute little house*living in Texas*Texas A&M*Texas Aggie football*no car payment*evening walks*long drives*Canton*Sunday dinner at Dad's*afternoon naps*DVR*encouraging words*reality TV*live music*good books*good movies*modern technologies*chips & salsa*long weekends*road trips*Chinese food*Gilmore Girls*challenging work outs*birthdays*hanging out with Mom*shopping*life changes*achieving career goals*new beginnings.
Those are just a few of the things that make my life so good, but I'm sure I could go on and on....
Happy September everyone!

Title by Zac Brown Band

Money, Money, Money!!!

2009-08-04T17:38:00.000-05:00

It seems one of the areas rarely discussed in divorce is the economic impact it has on the family. I'm sure there are several reasons for this - one being that finances are often a restricted topic of conversation to begin with. However, I believe the economic impact is a huge consequence of divorce.

I'm not going to get into all the "numbers," but statistically divorce more often has a negative impact on women than on men. Many times, especially when children are involved, the man experiences a increase in his standard of living post divorce; whereas, a woman typically experiences a decrease in her standard of living, and many times finds herself below the poverty line.

In my experience both as a divorced woman and as a child of divorced parents, I have found this to be true for my mother and me. Neither of us fell below the poverty line, but were merely one paycheck away from it at times. I would argue that divorce had a positive financial impact on my ex-husband and my father as well.

I personally have struggled financially for the past 13 months, and it seems that it may take a bit longer to get back on track. As I write this, I must also add that I am only where I am today because the Lord has blessed me tremendously.

I decided in college that I wanted to be a social worker, and I knew that it was going to take a lot of schooling, and that I would not get rich in that profession. However, it is what I felt called to do and what I was passionate about so I pursued it. I took a job right out of college in which I only made $23,000, but I was living at home at the time so it was enough to pay the few bills I had and I was able to get a raise and a promotion soon after. A year later, I got married. My ex-husband was an accountant and had a good job, so I was still really only responsible for those few bills I had while living at home. I never really worried about money and left that up to my husband, which looking back may have been too much stress for him. Anyway, he continued to progress in his career and we decided it was time for me to go back to school. I still did not worry about the financial burden of paying for graduate school. My ex-husband changed jobs and continued to progress in his career, and I continued to let him make all the financial decisions. For a few months, I wasn't employed while I was completing my internship - and yet I still never worried about money. Once I completed grad school, I accepted a job that I had been wanting for a few years, but I had to take a pay cut even with a Master's degree, but that was ok because my ex-husband was blessed with a good job and we were not dependent on my salary.

Then the bottom fell out, and I was left on my own with a very small salary. With my father and ex-husband's help I was able to secure financing for a house in which the mortgage was cheaper than paying rent, but I found myself wondering how I was going to make that payment every month. For the first time in my life I had to worry about money, and I was completely overwhelmed.

I quickly began looking for a new job, and by the Lord's provisions there were several agencies hiring at the time, and I had aspired to work at those agencies in the future - but the future was here. I applied at several agencies and had several interviews, and by God's grace was offered a job by every agency. I finally settled on the agency I am with now, and was blessed with a significant pay increase. However, I turned down a job to make much more because I did not feel the Lord calling me to that agency. That was an extremely difficult decision to make, and even more difficult to try to justify my decision to my very practical father.

While I was blessed to have my new job, my last paycheck at my old job was significantly less since I quit in the middle of the month, and I did not get my first paycheck at my new job until I had been there 30 days. Ouch! That was a very trying month and a half, and subsequently I managed to accumulate some credit card debt, which I did not have when I got divorced.

A year later, I find myself loving my job (although it is extremely trying and stressful at times), but I am still struggling to make ends meet. I so badly wanted to continue the lifestyle I was living prior to the divorce, but I had to accept that was not possible. I am slowly becoming accustomed to living within my means and trying to make smart financial decisions, even when that means I don't get to go shopping when I want or take the vacation I want.

Looking back, if I could do things differently, I think I would still choose this career path because I believe it is what God is calling me to do. So I trust that he will take care of me and allow me to do His work. He hasn't failed me yet. In fact, just yesterday while I was in the middle of despair, I received a small, unexpected financial blessing.

I am sure I am learning important lessons and growing as a person as I deal with financial stress, but it is hard to see that at times. I continue to move forward and have faith the Lord will provide...

I am comforted and convicted by this verse:
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet our Heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" Matthew 6:25-27

God's Goodness

2009-07-06T13:06:00.000-05:00

God is so good! I know that is always true, but it is easy to forget at times, and I love it when he gently reminds me.

I have been somewhat stressed and worried lately - it's not anything to do with the divorce, but it is times like these when I wish I had a partner to share the burden. It's a bunch of little things that ad up...minor health issues, minor financial concerns, heavy workload at work, issues with my dogs, etc.

I pride myself on coping well with stress, but it all got to me last week and I had what I called a "mini breakdown." I just needed my mom so I called her crying and talked to her for awhile. I definitely felt better after hearing encouraging words from her, but I was still really worried about everything.

After having somewhat of an emotional weekend, I woke up this morning to the soothing sounds of the refreshing rain the Lord provided (yes, I think thunderstorms are soothing!), and with that a new, positive mindset! A new mindset would have been good enough, but the Lord still had more to show me...

The next gentle reminder of His goodness came in the form of a sincere compliment from one of my clients. I work with mentally ill teenage girls, and I love my job, but it can be trying at times, and compliments are few and far between. My prayer is that the Lord will use me to meet the needs of these girls and that through that, they will see the love of Christ. The compliment I received from the young lady today was so sweet - it almost brought me tears. I hope it brought glory to God as well.

The next gentle reminder came in the form of an email from an attorney. You may ask "How can an email from an attorney be good?" I was afraid I was going to be subpoenaed to testify in a case from almost 3 years ago, which I don't remember anything about, so I was terrified. In the email, the attorney made it clear that she thought I was the case manager for the case and that I was at the home the night the incident occurred. Neither are true! So I don't see any reason why I would be subpoenaed to testify.

I feel so blessed today to receive the answers to so many prayers! Praise the Lord!!!

Relationship News

2009-06-26T09:38:00.000-05:00

I want to thank everyone for their prayers and encouraging words! I am so blessed to have so much support!

The guy I was dating and I decided to just be friends and see where the Lord leads us from there. I think he is great, and is perfect on paper, but we both agreed that it seemed like our relationship was more of a friendship than anything else. We had a good talk, and both felt at peace with our decision.

We really are friends too, which is so nice! I talk to him via text almost daily, and friendship seems to be working out well for us.

So the dating journey continues, and I am working hard to wait on God's timing and be content with where I am in life.

Jon & Kate

2009-06-23T14:47:00.001-05:00

This blog is about my journey, but I really feel the need to write about the Jon & Kate drama. I believe it is always sad and devastating when a marriage relationship is broken. However, I am a little discouraged by some of the reactions I have read and heard about from Christian friends that seem to be judgemental towards the Gosselins for deciding to get divorced.

As I have experienced divorce myself, I feel like there is a lot of judgement among the Christian community, which is one of the reasons I wanted to tell my story - to show that it happens to real people, people who least expect it, and people who worked hard at their relationships. So I guess that's why I feel strongly about some of comments that I have perceived as judgemental towards Jon & Kate.

I have heard things like "they [Jon & Kate] just need Jesus." That may be true - I have no idea - but even people who "have Jesus" get divorced. I have also heard comments that they need to go to counseling and "work it out." My husband and I went to counseling, and we still ended up divorced.

Most of us do not know the Gosselins, and have no idea what kind of pressures they are/were facing, or what it is like to raise 8 children, especially sextuplets. So how can we sit around and watch a few 30 minute episodes, and decide we know what's best for their family?

I wish the best for their family - no matter what that family looks like - and I think we, as Christians, need to be a little more empathetic and gracious.

2009-05-25T11:20:00.000-05:00

So much has happened since my last post!!! In my last post, I wrote about my dislike for dating and the uncertainty of it all...however, I am happy to report that I am officially in a relationship with a wonderful man! It is all very exciting, but VERY scary at the same time. But I am putting my trust in the Lord.

I had already met him at the time of my last post, and we had been out a couple of times, but nothing was official. Since then, the relationship has grown and he has even met my family! All together, we have been dating for about 2 months.

He is a man after God's heart, loves his family tremendously, and is so sweet to me! I don't have any idea what the Lord has planned for me or us, but I pray over our relationship daily, and look forward to seeing where the Lord takes us.

I'll keep you posted....

2009-03-29T21:33:00.000-05:00

I know, I know....it has been a long time since I've posted an entry and I have no excuses. :)

I have recently entered the dating scene, which has proven to be an adventure to say the least, and I can't say that I particularly enjoy it. Prior to being married, I never dated much. My ex-husband and I were together almost four years all through college before we were married, so I didn't have much dating experience. I have found now that I am an adult and not in school anymore that it is difficult to meet new people.

Since the divorce, I have continuously struggled with what the Bible says about divorce and what that means for the rest of my life. I definitely want to be married again one day and have a family, but I know the Lord "hates divorce" (Malachi 2:16).

I heard someone recently comment that they did not want to date anyone who had been divorced because that was "adultery." I agree that the Bible says that anyone who divorces his wife other than infidelity makes her commit adultery and anyone that marries a divorced woman commits adultery (Matthew 5:32). So does that mean the Lord wants me to remain single for the rest of my life?

I personally have a hard time believing that. I have known many Godly couples who were happily and successfully married and on their second marriages. Was God not a part of those relationships because they had been divorced previously? I don't think so. I believe in a forgiving God and a God of second chances. In my case, I was not the orchestrator of the divorce, and I tried very hard to make the marriage work, and I believe God honors my commitment to the relationship.

I strive to follow God's will in my life, and so I am striving to follow God's will in dating (or not dating) as well. I would like to think the Lord has a wonderful partner for me in the future; however, I am content to remain single if that is the Lord's will.

In the end, I am putting my hope and trust in the Lord knowing that he has plans for me (Jeremiah 29:11), and trying to enjoy the ride along the way. But, I do believe it's possible the Lord's plans may include a partner with whom I may share my life.

2009-02-09T21:02:00.000-06:00

I haven't posted anything in awhile because I had a serious case of writer's block and just really didn't feel led to write anything. But last week one of my friends told me I should write a book about "how to have a peaceful divorce." I laughed it off at the time, but I couldn't stop thinking about that comment, so that is the topic of this post.

I am by no means super girl or an expert at this - I am just writing about my experience and the personal insights I have gleamed through my divorce.

Throughout the past year, I have experienced a variety of emotions - some not so pretty. I have been sad, heart broken, confused, hurt, embarrassed, proud, content, rebellious, angry, jealous, frustrated.....just to name a few. But through it all, I continue to care deeply for my ex-husband and certainly want the best for him. He and I are fortunate to be able to have some sort of a cordial relationship with one another, which I appreciate.

So...how have I been able to have a peaceful divorce? I pray daily for the Lord to fill me with His peace and joy. It is not because of anything I have done or because I am a great person, but because I have relied on the Lord to pull me through this.....and he has answered my prayers. I also have forgiven my ex-husband for his choice to end the marriage and forgiven myself for the things I wish I had done differently.

I also have to give credit to my ex-husband, because although he made the choice to end the marriage, he has taken the high road through the divorce. He made the process as easy on me as possible, and has even tried to continue to take care of me in small ways.

There is not a "how-to" process for a "peaceful divorce," but I can't stress enough the importance of leaning on the Lord for strength, guidance, and peace. It is also very helpful to be surrounded by a great support system of friends and family to provide support, encouragement and love.

Be anxious for nothing, but in everythingby prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Phillippians 4:6-7

2009-01-04T18:59:00.000-06:00

To be honest, the past few days have been difficult. I suppose I have been reflecting on the past year and looking forward with hope, yet uncertainty to 2009.

In an effort to get out of this "funk" I am trying to focus on the many blessings in my life. Here are the top 10:

10. A comfortable place to live - I am so thankful for my quaint, little house. It is such a blessing that I was able to buy it and have a place to call my own.
9. Good physical health - I know that seems like a generic thing to say, but I am truly thankful for it. I did not have health insurance for over 3 months, so I prayed every day that I would not have any health issues that I could not afford. Thank you, Lord for that answered prayer.
8. Good emotional health - It is true that one does not realize how strong he/she is until faced with adversity. I suppose working with those who struggle with emotional health makes me more aware of this blessing.
7. Having a significant amount of time off this year - Between my job at CIS, time off between CIS and Waco Center for Youth, and state holidays, the Lord has provided me with much needed rest at the most opportune times.
6. Dogs - They are great companions and provide me with a sense of comfort and security.
5. A great job - It is truly wonderful to have the job that I have worked so hard for the past 6 years.
4. Wonderful friends - I can't say it enough....I love all my besties!
3. Precious nephew (and soon to be niece) - I absolutely adore being an aunt! I never imagined I could love a child who is not my own as much as I love Cory.
2. Loving parents and family - They have been such a huge support to me especially during the past year. It has been wonderful to have my dad take care of me the way he has.
1. God's grace - What can I say? I wouldn't be here without it.

I typically try to be content with my circumstances and to appreciate where I am in life, but I am very relieved to say 'good-bye' to 2008 and 'hello' to 2009. I am also very thankful for the hope I have in Christ.

I like this little excerpt from the Women of Faith Devotional Bible:
"Hope is a word I love. Hope keeps you going when things don't look so good. Hope is the only thing left at times. I love that God tells us not to lose hope. If we keep hope alive in our souls, we shall reap in due season. When we can't see past the darkness, we can always have hope. Isn't it great to know there are seasons to our lives?" -Terry Jones Point of Grace

And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart. Galatians 6:9

2008-12-29T20:46:00.000-06:00

I made it through Christmas and I have to say it was wonderful! This definitely ranks as one of the top 5 Christmases of my life so far. I'm not exactly sure what made it so special, but it was the first year that I did not have to travel out of town and it was so enjoyable to relax and spend a lot of time with family.

I continue to be amazed at the way the Lord takes care of me. Although the past year has been one of the most difficult of my life, I have seen the Lord work in amazing ways. He did not promise this life would be easy but He did promise that He would take care of us - and He has been true to His word.

I am so blessed!! I am thankful for all of my dear friends and my wonderful family. I love you all!

2008-12-16T20:37:00.000-06:00

"When you receive the prize, you must write a post showing it, together with the name of who has given it to you, and link them back. Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in their content or design. Show their names and links and leave them a comment informing that they were prized with 'Honest Weblog'. List [if you can and/or dare] at least ten honest things about yourself. Then, pass it on!"

I was given this award by my dear friend Jill.

I'm not going to nominate anyone for this award but I am going to be honest and list some things about myself.

1. I am a couch potato!! My favorite thing is to put on comfy clothes and cuddle up on the couch my pups and watch TV or movies. So I guess it goes without saying that I am a TV junkie, especially reality TV.

2. I absolutely hate cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry! However, I love good food, a clean house and fresh sheets. I hate cleaning so much that I have a cleaning service that cleans my 1100 sq. foot home twice a month - it's sad, I know.

3. I used to be dedicated to working out daily and eating healthy, but I haven't worked out at all in about 4 months.

4. I love my career but if I had to go back and choose something else, I would be a crime scene investigator (no, I don't watch any of those shows on TV - they're not realistic).

5. I like to have people over to my house, but it sends me into panic mode and an emotional breakdown before they arrive. I am so concerned with what others think and I want everything to be perfect, even with those who are closest to me. I'm trying to work on this. :)

6. I don't like to be the center of attention and I am not a loud person, but I love to talk. In a small group or one-on-one I will talk your ear off.

7. I take a VERY long time to get ready in the mornings.

8. I'm fairly liberal in my world views.

9. I absolutely HATE birds!!!!! I'm not scared of them but they freak me out and I think they are totally gross.

10. I used to make fun of bloggers and now I am one. :)

2008-12-13T20:03:00.000-06:00

The holidays are here in full swing, and although it is a time of 'joy' and 'cheer', it is often a very difficult time for many. The holidays are centered around family, as they should be, but when someone is missing from the family it becomes a time of sadness.

Let me be clear.....it is OK to be sad.

This is the first holiday season without my husband. Throughout the past 10 months, I have anxiously anticipated the holidays because in my mind I thought that the healing could not really take place and I could not completely move on with my life until I faced the holidays alone. So here I am.

I have definitely had to be my own therapist in some ways and tell myself what I tell my clients. First, using the fundamentals of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, I remind myself daily that I cannot always control my feelings, but I can control my thoughts, and my thoughts influence my choices. Therefore, it is ok to be sad but I should not let those feelings control me, and I should focus on the positive things and blessings in my life.

For example, I debated on whether or not I should put up a Christmas tree and decorations at my house for just me. But I decided that I should because I deserve to enjoy the holiday season and I love Christmas decorations....so I did. Then, I decided that I don't have to be the only one to enjoy my decorated house, so I am hosting a small party for a few girl friends.

Secondly, I tell my clients to anticipate difficult times and plan ahead for them and think about how they are going to cope with them when they arise. I realized that I may have a hard time coming home to an empty house Christmas Eve night and Christmas night, so I have made plans to spend the night at my sister's house Christmas Eve to help her get Santa's gifts to my nephew ready, and I am going to spend Christmas night at my dad's house, which is a very fun and festive environment.

However, no matter how much you plan, the unexpected always happens. In my case, things I never thought about as affecting me have produced feelings of sadness. I just went to a family Christmas party (our version of a family reunion), and that unexpectedly brought out a lot of feelings of loss - not just about my husband but about my grandparents as well. The other thing that has been difficult is receiving picture Christmas cards depicting happy couples, children and families. (It should be noted that I also sent out my own picture Christmas card of me and the dogs because I have done that for the past 5 years and I wanted to continue it.) It surprised me that receiving the cards upset me so much because typically I love receiving picture cards. If you are reading this and you have sent me a card or are planning to, please don't feel bad because I would also be sad not to get them at all. Thank you for thinking of me. :)

If you are facing a difficult holiday season, I encourage you to hang in there, focus on the positive, take care of yourself, and know that you are not alone.

It is also important to remember the ultimate purpose of this holiday is to celebrate the birth of Christ who God sent to us to provide hope and everlasting life.

And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of heavenly host praising God and saying, 'Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, goodwill toward men!' -Luke 2:13-14

2008-11-24T18:11:00.000-06:00

For as long as I can remember I have always worried about what other people think of me. So when my husband and I separated and I realized divorce was inevitable,one of the hardest things to face was the worry of what others would think.

From the outside looking in, it almost always seems like everyone has the "perfect" life and/or relationship. I find that to be true frequently within the Christian culture. I myself am guilty of falling into the trap of trying to keep up the perfect appearance. At the time my husband and I began having problems, I was not aware of any of our peers having problems or even the occasional argument. I certainly did not know anyone my age who was divorced. Initially, I was completely embarrassed and felt like a failure.

Ultimately, I did not have another choice but to face my fear, which I did, and it did not kill me! I continued to participate in the same groups and activities that I participated in before the divorce, and no one treated me differently or kicked me out. Actually, I was tremendously blessed to form new friendships and strengthen old ones during this time.

I had always been afraid to let others see my pain and difficulties, but I opened up and shared my situation with some dear friends, and in turn, the Lord took care of me in some amazing ways through His people.

I want to encourage other Christian women to open up, share their struggles and be honest with those around them, which is yet another reason why I started this blog.

No one has the perfect life or relationship, and we all go through difficult times, so we should not be afraid to be real, but instead allow the Lord to love on us through others.

There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit. Romans 8:1

My Story

2008-11-19T20:10:00.000-06:00

My ex-husband and I began dating at the age of 19 after our freshman year in college. We had a long distance relationship through most of college, and then after I graduated I moved back to Waco while he finished school at Baylor. We only broke up once during our relationship for about 2 weeks because I was experiencing some emotional issues, but we got back together and about 6 weeks later we were engaged. I never had a doubt in my mind that he was the man I wanted to marry. We dated for several years and had a strong relationship grounded in our Christian faith - plus he was everything I wanted in a husband.

Let me be honest....We definitely went through an adjustment period after we got married. We knew each other well, but it was a huge change to live together and be completely on our own as adults for the first time. But I loved being married!

Although I loved married life, we experienced several major stressors: losing our beloved grandparents, graduate school, losing a job, buying 2 houses, remodeling a house, starting 3 new jobs, an internship, losing a family pet, parental divorce, mental illness, and adjusting to an ever changing and expanding extended family - just to name a few.

I suppose those stressors took their toll on our relationship, and we definitely had our issues (I certainly was not a perfect wife), but I loved my husband and was 100% committed to our life together.

However, apparently my husband had a different idea about our marriage and decided it wasn't working out for him. So after many months of working hard to save our marriage - 5 years of marriage and 9 years in a relationship - he asked for a divorce.

That was the WORST thing I could have imagined happening to me! I never ever thought I would be divorced. I had no idea how I was going to get through this.......

*Disclaimer: This blog is not intended to focus on the details of my marriage or my ex-husband, but to focus on the journey of healing; and therefore it is important to share what led up to my tragedy.

My Ministry

2008-11-18T21:04:00.000-06:00

We hear all the time in the media about someone who endured a tragic event and then decided to turn the tragedy into something positive or a 'ministry'....and I feel that we hear those stories so much they become cliche. But here I am on what seems to be the upside of a tragedy in my life, and I feel called to use it to minister to others.
I have spent several weeks, maybe even a month or so, trying to ignore God's calling, but he is much more persistent, stronger and wiser than I, so I am creating this blog to tell my story of tragedy, God's goodness and His healing.
I do not believe that I am completely healed yet, but the Lord has taught me so much over the last 9 months that I feel I am at a comfortable place in my life to begin sharing with others what I have learned and endured.
My hope and prayer is that the Lord is glorified through my postings and that others receive His message of hope as they need it.

Now may the God of peace who brought up our Lord Jesus from the dead, that great Shepherd of the sheep, through the blood of the everlasting covenant, make you complete in every good work to do His will, working in you what is well pleasing in His sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen. -Hebrews 13:20-21